I don't know is it okay for me to feel upset. I don't know if I over-reacted every time I shed a tear for you. Why do I even feel this way? Do I even have the right to feel this way? After all, you are not exactly family.

I see a lil reflection of myself when I look at you. When I look right into you. When I try to decipher what's really going on in that complicated lil mind of yours. I thought I saw myself, just the younger, more extreme version.

I've been there before. And I think many of you too.
Tried to take the easy way out cos the hurt was just too much to bear and the future seemed too bleak to think about.

I vividly remember I once stood at the edge, thinking to myself how much easier it would be if life just stop there and then. I'll no longer be hurt, no longer feel the pain, no longer have to face the problems I had, or maybe still have.

Easy. That's it.

And if that's the only way not to be forgotten or to be entirely forgotten by the people I love, or used to loved, then why not just take the leap.

At that point, nothing else made sense to me. I mentally ran through a list of people that I love the most and made a silent apology to all of them.
For leaving them behind, for being the selfish, disappointing and irresponsible daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, ex-girlfriend and friend I am.

And I thought I'd just lean forward and then I'd be free.
Fly away like I always wanted to.

I could look at him from way up high and still continue to live his life like I've never left.
Maybe he would be filled with remorse and regrets, maybe he would finally feel for me again. Maybe he would shrug his shoulders and say 'that's just too bad', maybe he wouldn't even care.

Whatever it is, it's not impt, becos I'd be able to live his life with him and he doesn't even need to know that.

Mel, I wonder what went through your mind at that point in time.
Did you think like me? Or was there something else on your mind? Or maybe there was just nothing on your mind...
I really wish I know what's on your mind.

The only difference between us is you are the stronger one.
You found the courage to take that tiny little huge leap, while I just couldn't gather enough of it.

Your sister said strength was your weakness. And I can't help but agree.
But if you were so strong, my dear, why take the easy way out??....

I never had a chance to thank you for your comforting words when I thought I couldn't go on anymore, when I thought there's no more hope and I just don't deserve to be loved. I thought I'll re-visit the idea of taking the leap again.

And you were the very person who pulled me back when I was so close to leaning forward.

' Wendy zehzeh, I really think you are the nicest girlfriend jz-gorgor ever had. You are jz gorgor's favourite girlfriend. I'm really glad and I think he's so lucky...'

Silly girl, I could only smile and nod my head when you said these. It was bittersweet for me becos you just don't know what was really going on between us.

But it is this very statement from you that gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, I could really be his favourite girlfriend. You helped me find the courage to want to hang in there, to want to find out what could have been.

I've survived or rather, I'm still surviving.

I wish I could have done the same for you, my dear. I wish I've spent more time talking to you, getting to know you. I wish I had a chance to share with you whatever little I know of this world, the possibilities it presents and to let you know that you are not alone in this seemingly dark and lonely world.

You were like the little sister I never had. and never will have. You were so much like me, just stronger, more talented, and with a lot more potential.

What about all the plans we spoke of? What about all the things you wanted to do? What about our next photoshoot, and the next and the next and the next???????

You said you'll love to help us and the pink/private label... it was just days ago...What happened?? Where are you now??? Come back, would you???? Pls come back....

Give me a chance, give me more time, to know who you really are and do my teeny weeny bit for you.

It's not fair to just brush pass my life this way and leave me with endless regrets.

I can only stare at your pretty face now with tears and regrets and agonize over the millions of what it could have been, if only....

I really should have done more...

It's just not fair.
It doesn't feel real.
Pls let this be a dream....
Pls be in a better place....
It's contradicting, okie, I'm confused.





Becos he treats us so differently.
Why? Do I not deserve? I asked.
Someone said "it's not that you don't deserve, you just deserve something better..."
Another said "you've forgotten that YOU are the prize. You decide who deserves..."

It's really sweet of them. Maybe I am the prize. Just maybe.
But what if I'm just the prize that nobody really cares to own? Can I have a prize too?

Often I ask myself, have I not done enough? Is there anything else I can do?
What is it that made him love them the way he did? Why can't he do the same for me?

This time round, I concede defeat. I've done the best I cld.
It's easier to think that it's his loss, not mine. But I'm just not someone who takes the easy way out...

Love cannot be compelled. I'm truly beaten by love.
Again.

I pray to God, to void all the capacity in me to love.
Make my life easier, I begged.

What else can I do? What else can I say?
Can I really deal with the worst-case scenerio?
Why do I even think so far into the future?
Why do I even fantasize about so many things?

I don't have answers to all these questions.

I'm tired. Really am. I tried. Really did. Very hard.

Manage yourself, dee...



I turn into a sappy little pussy when I'm alone watching all the TVB dramas episode after episode... this week, I must have watched at least 40 episodes of 2 of the latest serials. One a modern-day banking tycoon family drama with the typical story line around men cheating on wives and their wives struggling to keep the family together and the other revolves around concubines fighting for the Emperor's attention and the survival skills necessary as a concubine.

I wonder why do women always fight over men?? I'll never want to have to fight for someone. That's not something I believe in. I don't believe that we have to fight for love. I never did. I always choose to walk away if I have to fight for love this way. What's the point of being loved after having to fight with someone over it?? I just don't see the point. It's not love anymore. Love should happen naturally, willingly... The only person I'll fight is myself.
hmmm...do I make sense???...

Anyway, being the sappy little pussy I am right now, I'm all covered in my blankie, thinking about how my past few months were spent, trying to recollect things that he's said that left the deepest impressions. And I am really really the happiest when he said this to me.

"...it's only when I'm lying right next to you this way that I feel I don't have to think about anything at all... I'm completely relaxed and everything else doesn't matter anymore... "

=)

Oh yah and recently, while we were our usual silly bickering selves,

W> ... no lor, I'm not going to marry you cos you don't love me!!!
E> ... how do you know I don't love you??!!... I just don't say it....
W> *complete silence and let slip yet another silly grin*
E> .... eh! why so quiet huh??!! see see see....bleh!
W>... orh........... *still couldn't wipe that silly grin off*

Counting down the days... 5 days down and 9 more to go... I'm surviving really bad =(

It's amazing how powerful his words can get over me...

"....ok me will try and have an early night so tat the days will go by faster and you can be in my arms soon once again..."

I think that's the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. My tears are threatening to roll down my cheeks now. I think I miss him even more now....

Shall have an early night too... pray and hope that time can really fly by faster this way....

Goodnight, E.



Never imagine this day would come.
We live in a world full of cruel ironies.

Once upon a time, sweet memories.
Once upon a time, a beautiful dream.

Goodbye lover, hello stranger.
I admit, it hurts to feel like a stranger.
I admit, for a moment I was shaken, I was confused, I was weak.

And the very next second, I see a face, I hear a voice. I felt calm. I felt strong. I'm not afraid anymore. He said to walk away. I didn't. I didn't want to take the easy way out. I didn't want to run away anymore. The only place I want to run to is right into his arms and hear him whisper everything is fine. I couldn't think of anything else but him...

That's when I'm certain it's over. Nobody else matters anymore =)

E was sweet. He didn't question me at all... I knew he was curious but he waited till we're on our way home. Till I was feeling so much better about the encounter. That night, he held both my hands as he fall asleep. Maybe he didn't realise. Maybe it's because he's leaving the next day. For whatever reason, it was sweet, so sweet that I carelessly dropped a tear, looking at him sleep. I was missing him already.

The next morning we had macs for breakfast and then we took a walk in the park. We sat on a bench, watching people exercise, watching kids play, watching the black swans gracefully glide in the lake. We talked about everything under the sun, we laughed, we joked, we talked about his kids and mine... how I want a girl first but he wants the eldest to be a boy... how I'll put my son in a gym when he's 5 and how he violently objected cos it'll impede his growth... how our son will not be short because we're both tall and how he insisted that he's only average and I'm short... how I want my son to be a swimmer and play rugby and how he wants him to play golf...

I smiled and I watched him smile... Deep inside, I wish we would be sitting on the same bench, in the same park when we turn a head full of grey, watching our grandchildren play with the same black swans in the same lake.

I'm missing you bad, E. Come home soon...